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Untangling Metal Chains




Dreamworlds cease and consciousness washes over

Pen ink loose, hands cold, time is open and I'm finally sober.

Hangers are screeching,

Makes me think of the time I was inconsolable at the train platform and the priest started preaching

or praying, for me.

His way of helping, you see

'Cause I was crying uncontrollably.


Something changed, can't put my finger on it.

Doesn't matter anymore,

I'm no longer stuck pretty sure,

weeping, cradled, dying on the floor.

Pretty sure, yeah, I've closed that door.


Falling for yourself is a funny sort of feeling

I catch myself crooked smiling at my own train of thought

Sometimes even laughing a lot

A memory that tastes so good and feels so sweet

It's a form of healing


I remember being so afraid of myself

Entrenched in a hopeless bitter mood

Typing a message internally then

Alt, Ctrl, Delete.

But now pieces of thought sit comfortably on the chair of my brain

A mind so calm, I find it pretty relaxing,

a tedious task, seemingly mundane.


See, my mind once was a battlefield

on a plain white background

Wars lost, won and in-between

So stark in contrast

yet still, I never felt seen.

Looking at the years ahead, filled with anxiety, fear,

just utter fucking dread.


But shit do change

and I say that with my chest

I wish I had the answer, the elixir

the cheats to this test

But what I can advise is to gather yourself

and invest

No need for that business acumen bullshit

Lives lived just to be a cut above the rest

It's an unforgiving, relentless and pointless (if I'm being honest)

Quest.


When you start to deep your life

at the ripe old age of 25

Purpose gets put into perspective

You fantasise shunning habits, thoughts and ways

that are maladaptive

Saying bye to that person who was once so reactive.

But instead,

Smiling at the birds who wake me in bed

Telling myself I look good in yellow, purple,

even red.

Knowing, I am that bitch when I walk in a room

Even if I'm disassociating

on a silly little zoom.


See now my dreams get bigger and colours more vivid

I have no desire to change the insipid.

No longer breaking my back,

Trying to change poisoned forces that don't yield to me,

No matter how sad their history

They're focused on lack


Helping those who don't want it can no longer be my prerogative

Nor is alienating the truth

or speaking in derogatives.

No judgement or jury will relieve that inner turmoil,

anguish or fury.

I know this now.

Comparing your being muddies the self,

Fraying the integrity of your seamless edges, your core, your health.

So it's fair to say

Continue choosing every day

As a new opportunity, finding a way,

to do things more authentically

Just to feel a little more like me


So here I am, back again

Head titled, spine hunched

Admiring the vintage shop carpet stains

Never thinking it would feel this good to be

Untangling metal chains.


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