Searching externally for validity has yet again gotten the better of me
An unfillable hole in my chest I thought I had cemented
Just when I found stillness and harmony through self-control
Still blinded to the cycles perennially being fermented
On a day like any, unguarded soon undermined
A brewing broth of stagnation and a life confined
That's when a twinkling slight from a counterfeit delight becomes so tempting
Looks so illustrious, maybe a little healing
So I'll take a bite
It looks shiny, pleasing
So much more than appealing
Then sure it may take me some time after that lick of brine
Maybe a fall or two post decline before I finally begin to realise
It's just another lesson handed straight down from the divine
Reminding me to love myself more than I did before
Remembering I should stop exploring outside myself
If peace and serenity are not brimming at my core
I'm whole on my own, everything else is a blessing
I know this now
I've already learnt this lesson
So why does it feel so good to be teased by wicked temptation
But then I slip and get swallowed up by regression
Feeling exposed in a hell hole of depression
Except, surely it can’t be that bad because my heart is still mine
It's remains in my possession
Saying what I think and thinking what I feel soon becomes its own form of self-care and intention
Authenticity is priority
The mending root of my psyche and expression
Yet I remain motionless
Disassociating in this lonely state of being
Recognition in my chest and I start to remember, finally begin seeing
Why I am this way
I was just a little girl when the object of abandonment planted the seeds of foreplay
Generational patterns buried deep in muddied veins was the price I had to pay
Neglect crippled and cradled the framework of culture that continues to shape me to this day
Incremental issues of leaving wounds and tear-ducking tunes
Soaking up remnants of an unworthy feeling that all-consumes
Thinking the numbness was acceptance over time
When really it was building the glass shattering fine line
Of feeling incomplete and completely restless
Watching the clock tick by
Tasting the salty bitter spite of rejection whipping me til it can no longer be denied
Chasing ghosts who couldn't see through the pain they press against my lungs as I long deep and sigh
Reassessing then reassuring myself that I'm now in the drivers seat
Self-awareness keeps me sane
And that's its own form of high
But the aching doesn't just dissolve or go away
It remains and sometimes begins to drain
The life and love and all of my progression
The artificial sting starts to melt, burn and bubble inside my soft heart slowly filling it with synthetic resin
But I never wanted to become stuck in space and time
Whilst the earth decays and antiheroes haemorrhage me in my prime
Keeping me stiff and locked up as if I'm the one who’s committed a crime
No.
I still beat heavy and loud
And can respect the sour indiscretion of an acid puckering lime
Unripened and juvenile
Still hydrating my thirsty tongue through a habitual transcendent ascension
See, I'm whole on my own and everything else is a blessing
No cheating on this test
Ive already learnt this lesson
But regardless of this relatively recent mental preparation
What I can now appreciate is the sweetest combination
Of the soft-scoop pleasure and scathing pain
When handing out pieces of your unbridled heart
Eventually becoming a rehabilitating and liberating cause for celebration