Searching externally for validity is really starting to get to me
Finding myself is a feeling I can't let go of
But then a twinkling slight of a counterfeit knight becomes so tempting
Looks so illustrious, so healing
When it looks shiny and pleasing it's so much more than appealing
And it may take me some time
Maybe a fall or two before I realise its another lesson in love handed straight down from the divine
Reminding me to love myself more than I did before
Remembering I should stop exploring outside myself
if peace and serenity is not brimming at my core
I'm whole on my own, everything else is a blessing
I know this now, I've already learned this lesson
So why does it feel so good to be teased by wicked temptation
But when I slip and get swallowed up by regression
It got me feeling exposed in a hell hole of depression
Except, surely it can’t be that bad because my heart is still mine
It's in my possession
Saying what I think and thinking what I feel becomes its own form of self-care and expression
Yet I remain motionless, disassociating in this lonely state of being
Recognition in my chest and I start to remember, finally begin seeing
Why I am this way
I was just a little girl when the object of abandonment
planted the seeds of foreplay
Generational patterns buried deep in muddied veins was the price I had to pay
Neglect crippled and cradled the framework of culture that continues to shape me to this day
Incremental issues of leaving wounds
and tear-ducking tunes
Soaking up remnants of an unworthy feeling that all-consumes
Thinking the numbness was acceptance over time
When really it was building the glass shattering fine line
of feeling incomplete and completely restless
Watching the clock tick by
Feeling the salty bitter spite of rejection that I can’t deny
Chasing ghosts who couldn't see through the pain they press against my lungs as I long deep and sigh
Reassessing and reassuring myself that now I'm in the drivers seat,
self-awareness is keeping me sane.
But the aching doesn't just dissolve or go away
It remains and sometimes begins to drain
the life and love and all of my progression
starts to melt, burn and bubble inside my soft heart
Slowly filling it with synthetic resin
But I never wanted to become stuck in space and time
Whilst the earth decays and haemorrhages me in my prime
Keeping me stiff and locked up as if I'm the one who’s committed a crime
No.
I still beat heavy and loud
and idolise the sour indiscretion
of an unripened acid puckering lime
hydrating my unfazed thirsty tongue
Through a habitual transcendant ascension
I'm whole on my own and everything else is a blessing
So no cheating on this test, Ive already learnt the lesson
Irregardless of my newfound education
What I can appreciate still and forever now know is the sweetest combination
of pain and pleasure from handing out pieces
of your unbridled sleeve-worn heart
Eventually becoming a rehabilitating liberating celebration