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Tapping on the Glass




Searching externally for validity has yet again gotten the better of me

An unfillable hole in my chest I thought I had cemented

Just when I found stillness and harmony through self-control

Still blinded to the cycles perennially being fermented


On a day like any, unguarded soon undermined

A brewing broth of stagnation and a life confined

That's when a twinkling slight from a counterfeit delight becomes so tempting

Looks so illustrious, maybe a little healing

So I'll take a bite

It looks shiny, pleasing

So much more than appealing

Then sure it may take me some time after that lick of brine

Maybe a fall or two post decline before I finally begin to realise

It's just another lesson handed straight down from the divine


Reminding me to love myself more than I did before

Remembering I should stop exploring outside myself

If peace and serenity are not brimming at my core

I'm whole on my own, everything else is a blessing

I know this now

I've already learnt this lesson


So why does it feel so good to be teased by wicked temptation

But then I slip and get swallowed up by regression

Feeling exposed in a hell hole of depression

Except, surely it can’t be that bad because my heart is still mine

It's remains in my possession

Saying what I think and thinking what I feel soon becomes its own form of self-care and intention

Authenticity is priority

The mending root of my psyche and expression


Yet I remain motionless

Disassociating in this lonely state of being

Recognition in my chest and I start to remember, finally begin seeing

Why I am this way

I was just a little girl when the object of abandonment planted the seeds of foreplay

Generational patterns buried deep in muddied veins was the price I had to pay

Neglect crippled and cradled the framework of culture that continues to shape me to this day

Incremental issues of leaving wounds and tear-ducking tunes

Soaking up remnants of an unworthy feeling that all-consumes

Thinking the numbness was acceptance over time

When really it was building the glass shattering fine line

Of feeling incomplete and completely restless

Watching the clock tick by

Tasting the salty bitter spite of rejection whipping me til it can no longer be denied

Chasing ghosts who couldn't see through the pain they press against my lungs as I long deep and sigh

Reassessing then reassuring myself that I'm now in the drivers seat

Self-awareness keeps me sane

And that's its own form of high


But the aching doesn't just dissolve or go away

It remains and sometimes begins to drain

The life and love and all of my progression

The artificial sting starts to melt, burn and bubble inside my soft heart slowly filling it with synthetic resin

But I never wanted to become stuck in space and time

Whilst the earth decays and antiheroes haemorrhage me in my prime

Keeping me stiff and locked up as if I'm the one who’s committed a crime


No.


I still beat heavy and loud

And can respect the sour indiscretion of an acid puckering lime

Unripened and juvenile

Still hydrating my thirsty tongue through a habitual transcendent ascension


See, I'm whole on my own and everything else is a blessing

No cheating on this test

Ive already learnt this lesson

But regardless of this relatively recent mental preparation

What I can now appreciate is the sweetest combination

Of the soft-scoop pleasure and scathing pain

When handing out pieces of your unbridled heart

Eventually becoming a rehabilitating and liberating cause for celebration

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